Missing-loss describes the typical, human responses that any of us might experience if we find ourselves on either side of “leaving without goodbye”*.

Missing-loss has some common features

The rupture of a relationship by any type of missing incident, whether short or long, can leave us with wounds that don’t close, heal, or form scars like other kinds of injury. Each person’s experience of missing-loss is unique, however some of its common features are:

• Living in uncertainty that doesn’t end
• “Open loops” in thinking, feeling, and behaviour
• Being exposed to conflicting “truths” about the situation 
• Feeling on the outside of the normative world
• Being denied rituals, and having life’s milestones disrupted
• Living a life you didn’t choose
• Struggling with dilemmas about “hope”, “despair” and “acceptance”
• Practical, and mental, searching for those we are separated from
• Being subject to outside scrutiny, or speculation
• Judgements, or lack of understanding from others, “social silence”, being isolated
• Trauma symptoms, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), or Complex PTSD.

Missing-loss is a normal response to abnormal circumstances

If you have been affected by missing-loss, there are a number of things that we know do not help, but that you may have experienced from others (including those who are trying to be supportive) such as:

• An insistence that you should seek or find “closure”
• An inability to accept the “not-knowing” involved in being missing from loved-ones, or having a missing loved-one
• Labelling the typical processes of missing-loss as “unhealthy”, “not normal”, or something you should “get over”
• Failure to recognise the pain and difficulties that can be involved when there is a return from a missing incident
• Lack of understanding that grief can be complicated when someone has been found dead after going missing

These responses, whether careless or lovingly-intended, are more likely to harm than help, and can be part of the reason that  missing-loss has been described as “the most distressful of all losses”*.

Building "resiliency" for life alongside missing loss

Missing-loss usually comes along with multiple traumatising events, and it’s a complex experience that cannot be neatly resolved. It is, however, absolutely possible to build your recovery from trauma, and what missing-loss specialists call a “resiliency”* for living alongside missing-loss.

The first step in this process is usually being freed from expectations that you should “get over it”, so that you can understand your own experiences, and shape your life with missing-loss. If you are on this path then you are entitled to care and support of all kinds, including from a trained, experienced professional if you choose. If you think this  might be something you want or need, get in touch with one of Our Counsellors, and check out Other Support Services available from the charity Missing People.

* All citations: Pauline Boss (1999, 2002, 2007).